My name is Liz. I need direction. I overuse commas, my house is a mess, my hair needs a trim and I have no marketable skills: It's fun here, you'll see!

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June 23rd, 2011


I know a lot of people like to post pictures of their pets on their blogs and discuss how cute/crazy/dumb/stinky they are. It’s fun! Everyone likes to read about animals!

Well, I don’t have a pet right now, fools. So I will have to just continue posting pictures of my former pet, Melvin the Dog.


Melvin with the Funk Band 2

See? There he is. Watching my dad (AKA AlphaDog) lead a funk band made up of high school students. This photo was taken during a rehearsal at our house. Melvin had let himself in (he knew how to operate the sliding screen door, despite being a hopeless moron in many other areas) and plopped down at the foot of our soprano saxophone player, Dan.

Aside from screen door openry, Mel had a few other surprising and useless talents. One was that he could clean a whole chicken bone off with his front teeth, which made him look really dumb. The other was that he could sing. And I actually mean that. He liked horn sounds, and would howl along with me as I played the trumpet. The most interesting part was that, for a dog, he had excellent pitch. If I went up an octave, so did he. If I went down really low, he’d sort of growl. He just wanted to be part of the pack, and that meant making the right noise.

So, when he heard our rehearsal going, he wandered over and looked at the band leader. Then this:


Melvin with the Funk Band 1

You can’t really tell in this picture, but Dan is trying, unsuccessfully, not to laugh. Mel’s howling could get pretty loud.

I wish I had thought to release an album.

July 28th, 2009

Lazy Tuesday

Forgive my tardiness, and also my brevity. Just wanted to pop in to let you know that I’m spending the afternoon at my parents’ house. My mom is working with the Rat Guy to get rid of a few pests, and Paul is totally schooling me at Uno.

I need a job. But for now, I’m going to enjoy my summer break.

July 23rd, 2009

Word o’ The Week II

Well, the first-ever Word o’ The Week contest has come to a glorious close, and our dear friend Chris Bulock has been named the winner! His entry for the word Captilechter (noun) was:

A small, salty sore that is the result of eating way too many Fritos brand corn chips. First, the jagged edge of a chip creates a tear in the tender flesh of the mouth, and the ensuing cut is eaten away by the obscene amount of salt coating the following chips. I was watching a Mythbusters marathon and chowin’ down on a family size bag of Fritos, so now I’ve got three captilechters.

Congratulations, Chris Bulock! You’ve won…

…an “autographed” copy of The Science of Self-Realization by His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada that my former roommate gave me as a ‘gift’ because she couldn’t fit it in her suitcase! Comes with a Certificate of Authenticity. (Note: Liz Cole’s signature may or may not have been forged by Paul Malewitz)

The rest of the entries, which were all very good, can be viewed at last week’s contest here. (P.S. Steve Cole, my dad, wins the “Oh No He Didn’t” Award for his definition: What happens when the Capt. has the only vote in electing Sotomayor to Supreme Court.)

AND NOW DOWN TO BUSINESS! This week’s word is…

Lopresinize (lo-PREZ-in-ize)) verb

Okay? Tell your friends! Send your submissions to liz@theproductivecough.com by noon on Thursday, July 30th. And of course, BONUS POINTS FOR USING IT IN A SENTENCE!


Here are this week’s entries:

Paul Malewitz: To surgically take the presidentialness out of head of state, usually with pliers which enter though the nose. After the former head of state was lopresinized, his speeches were less compelling and he often bled from his ears.

Jeff Abrahams: To elect a black man president. (f. laprezinise v.) 1. A. Sharpton Hallelujah, Obama dun got loprezinise(d)!

David Malloy: To mash or squash in an effort to bring various elements together. Belinda was sure to lopresinize the various layers of the cheese sandwich before grilling it; Last time she had forgotten, and Carlos had beaten her so badly she passed blood instead of gas for a week.

Clint Bazz: (slang. Considered Vulgar). To visit France, especially Paris. “The wife and I lopresinized last month.”

Gene Taylor, World Famous Pianist: The act of lowering the chassis and body of one’s GM vehicle; popularized now that president Obama has bought, on behalf of the American taxpayer, a large chunk of General Motors. “You got to lopresinize that Impala, dude.”

Steven Cole, MD: To suddenly lower the blood pressure. ” Man, that gunshot wound to the torso has really lopresinized this dude.”

April 27th, 2009

Walk Softly And Carry A Big Rattle

This weekend, while exploring the Mission District of South Pasadena, I came across this haunting message in the window of a store:

Needless to say, I was troubled. The lack of capitalization, the ellipsis, the two sad balloons. This was obviously a warning, but it left a lot to the imagination. Did it refer to an army of demon babies, akin to the ones found in the “It’s Alive” series, coming to kill us all (starting with the folks at Planned Parenthood)?  Maybe it was a tip-off about an evil plan by the drug companies to suddenly make all of their birth-control products entirely ineffective? Or maybe it was simply an advertising ploy to get people to purchase babies.

Whatever it is, keep your guard up folks.