Hello, wastrels!

Today, in the final installment of the paycheck-stretching guide I have no business writing, I’d like to make mention of a few odds and ends that I think you may find helpful in your quest to save a little cash. The first, which I promised you last time, is more of a warning…

Beware Groupon!

It is a trap. You think, “Golly, I sure am getting a good deal on this two-person canoe!” But, remember 10 minutes ago, before you started checking your email, when the thought of owning a two-person canoe had never once crossed your tiny, tiny mind? Now you’ve blown $259 on a piece of fiberglass that is going to gather dust and spiders on the back patio of your apartment. “But it’s normally $599!!” you are saying. Shut up. You are going to be evicted for cluttering your patio, and not paying rent.

If you are going to use Groupon and you have an Impulse Purchasing Problem, set your email account to automatically send those emails to a designated folder, instead of your inbox. Then, when you are shopping for an item or service that you really need, start searching the site for relevant deals.

What I use it for is banking spa services. If I see one that really, really appeals, I buy it, but I don’t let myself have more than five saved up. That way, when I have some time off, or need to relax a little bit, I can get a food-based facial or have a tiny woman poke my legs with puffer fish spines or something. Doesn’t that make sense? And so simple!

Finally, to conclude this series, I’d like to leave you with a small list of

Things To Remember

You can spend on important things, guys. Bedding, for one. You sleep every night. Or you SHOULD sleep every night, any way. If you don’t sleep comfortably, you don’t sleep well. And then you act like a jerk. So buy those pricey pillow cases and people will start liking you again.

See, people like you based on how pleasant you are. And by how much money you have. They don’t make that judgement based on what your skin looks like. You don’t need to spend so much money on foundation. Good god, people. Here is the deal: Your face is not meant to be one color from top to bottom. If it was, that is what you would have looked like as a four year old child. There are shadowy areas, and freckly areas, and moles, and places where you naturally have some rosiness. This is not cause for paint. This is just how you’re supposed to look. STOP MAKING YOUR WHOLE FACE UNIFORM. Eight ounces of something that makes you look like Marcel Marceau with a tan is not worth $32.50.

And surprise! You don’t need a manicure! Pretty much ever. Sometimes it is nice to pamper yourself, like if you’ve just graduated from something. And sometimes it actually is kind of important, like if you are getting married, or if your hands are beginning to look like witch hands. But in general, no. Don’t pay someone $15 to perform a service that you are going to ruin as soon you try to open your car door in the nail salon parking lot.

Another place to go hog wild is data storage. I cannot stress enough the importance of a quality back up hard drive situation. How would you feel if you purchased a bargain hard drive to preserve the terabyte of photographs from the time you had dinner with Brace from Gigolos only to have it self-destruct months later? That extra cash for the better model (of harddrive, not gigolo) doesn’t seem like such a bad idea anymore, does it? (Although, between you and me, it’s probably better if you just forget that whole evening entirely.)

I am also an advocate of spending for higher quality face and body hair management. If you’re having hair ripped out by the root, you want someone who knows what they’re doing and has access to various luxurious tinctures and unguents so that you don’t go home looking like you were prodded with hot pokers. But, please, you don’t need anyone messing around with your eyebrows. Someone else’s idea of what a “neat” eyebrow is might be completely wrong for you. At least if you over-pluck at home it’s your own damn fault if you end up looking like Jiminy Cricket.

In Conclusion

Use your derned head is all I’m saying. If you really need it, and you’ll use it a lot. It’s worth your cash. If it’s got a kitty on it, no. If you think “I can’t afford NOT to,” no. If it is magic beans, okay. If it is a present for me, buy two.

And for the love of god, don’t donate to charities. That should be a no-brainer.

Happy spendin’!

Join me next time, when my topic will be… not money.

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