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January 8th, 2013

Saving Money: A Guide For Everyone (But Mostly Girls) – Part 1

Hello, Womenfolk (and Otherfolk who are reading this blog). Did you spend a ton of money on gifts for loved ones this holiday season? Did you just open your bank statement and cry? Did you then wonder why you are still getting bank statements in the mail even though it is 2013? Well, don’t fear. First, sign up for paperless statements. Second, recognize that this is part one in my series on money-saving tips!

Now, I’ve not ever been known for my frugality (or, actually, for anything!), but I do like buying things and going places. And in doing so, I have learned what’s worth the money, and what isn’t. Though I have advice that spans many areas (I am very wise), I will focus primarily on the topic of personal appearance. Given how I usually look, this may surprise you. However, Fashion and Beauty have the potential to be multi-quadrillion dollar industries. Per person. Even if you don’t wear a lot of makeup. There is always a zit emergency that will take an entire paycheck to rectify, or a new wrinkle that requires some kind of cutting-edge Swiss laser. Or you may suddenly discover that your newest life goals are growing healthy cuticles with the help of a rare rainforest nut oil and also getting some fine leather boots that don’t make your ankles look broken.

Regardless of what you think you need, be it spa treatment or house ware, it’s likely to be pricey, and, sometimes, it’s going to feel like you cannot live without it. What will follow over the next several days is a guide that will (hopefully) be useful when you are faced with choosing between filling up your car or having your laptop studded with crystals.

My first piece of advice is more about using money wisely than it is about saving it up. You see, I believe you should…

 Go Out to Dinner & Order Too Much Food

Not EVERY NIGHT, you fool, that would be counter productive. And I’m not saying going to fancy steak places, either. But if you’re really excited about getting some food that you didn’t make yourself, go and do it, for god’s sake. Don’t be one of those cretins who only eats ramen or some kind of weird bargain tuna fish concoction out of a mug. Live a little. Get some freaking shrimp lo mein. Have some pizza. If you are an even remotely employed person and can’t stand to use your money to have $8.99 worth of fun every once in a while, hoo dawgy, knowwhatI’msaying?

And, hey. Over-order so you can have leftovers for lunch the next day. The bump up from “regular” to “large” usually isn’t equal to the full price of an additional meal. It’s $3 instead of $9. This means you’ve spent around $6 a meal. Not too shabby. The only thing you’re going overboard on is probably sodium. But I am not concerned with your health. In fact, if you follow my advice, you’ll have much more money to leave your friends when you die at age 43. And we all know you count me as your closest friend.

So, what did we learn today? Save your money, certainly. But don’t be ridiculous. Have some dinner at a restaurant and take the leftovers home for an extra meal or two. Then you’ll be happy, fed and save a few bucks in the process. And you won’t smell like tuna fish always.

See you tomorrow, when we will discuss your awful, horrible teeth and why you should just accept them.

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