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November 4th, 2011

Don’t Do These Things

The only way I can get through a cardio workout at the gym is by reading while I do it. And by “reading” I mean “reading women’s magazines.” Because it’s a lot easier to process “5 Minutes To A Smoky Eye” than Billy Budd when you’re bobbing up and down on the elliptical.

So I read a LOT of women’s magazines. Often I come across something helpful (“What To Do If You Wake Up Looking Like You Drank A Liter Of Popov The Night Before”) or inspiring (“How I Conquered My Fear Of Pearl Onions!”). But then there are the times I turn to the page to discover utter nonsense, such as the article I read recently that was a list of things you did as a kid that you should still be doing. I’ve collected some of the more incorrect ones here:

Celebrating Hump Day: Did anyone actually do that? Because when I think of a celebration, there is cake. And if we’d had cake every time it was Wednesday, I’d have died at age 13.

Going to an all night diner and ordering a bunch of pancakes and stuff: Did anyone ever STOP doing that? Hell, you could wake me up at three in the morning and suggest we go do that and I’d be dressed in under 40 seconds.

Running around naked just because: I refuse to acknowledge this as an activity. There is no “just because” about being naked. Ever.

Sleepovers: I couldn’t do them then, and I certainly can’t do them now.

Going by the trendy name you wish your parents had given you: Do not do this ever. You will lose your job and all of your friends and you will have to pose for a sub-par gentleman’s magazine to make your rent money.

Keeping a list of every boy you’ve ever fooled around with: Yeah, you go right ahead, Lil’ Miss Trashy.

Watching TV while snuggling with your fluffy husband pillow: **SPIT TAKE** WHAT?? What in god’s name is a “fluffy husband pillow?” Why would you snuggle with it? And what are you watching on TV that is doing such a poor job of keeping you interested that you’d rather snuggle with an inanimate object? Look. If you EVER did this when you were a kid, you are probably doing something WAY worse now. Like snuggling with a pillow made out of your husband.

I don’t know what kind of youth you had, but if there was a thing I liked doing, I’m probably still doing it (playing Super Mario Bros. 3). And if I’m not still doing it, it’s because it was insane (eating ants). I don’t need a nationally-published magazine to tell me how to be nostalgic. But I do need someone to explain fluffy husband pillows to me.

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