From time to time, I get some glorious spam messages. I treat them as questions, cries for help, even. For instance, I might respond to something like this…

From: Elvia

Subj: Hi

simoon oozy trap usury? prune waking! center scrota equate! funny stogie penult.

…with something helpful like this:

Dear Elvia,

What the hell is “prune waking?” Thanks.

-Liz

But a lot of times, let’s face it, they are just advertisements for wee wee pills. And while this site is in general SFW (that’s “Safe For Work,” dad), I could no longer keep myself from sharing with you some of my absolute favorite euphemisms and penis-related phrases. So buckle up, kids. It’s gonna get yucky.

First up we have a unique phrase that I’d have never even considered were it not sent to me by a robot.

Subj: Product that creates a stud of you!

Make your boner so iron in could pierce a hole in ceiling.

At least then you could hire your skills out and get back some of the money you’re spending on this crap.

Subj: Best girl-digging skils!

Stay like a bold cliff!

None of that makes sense. Do the girls come from the ground? Do you use a shovel in your lovemaking? Are there any other kinds of cliffs, really? Aren’t all cliffs a little bold, dropping off into churning water like that?

from: idmar09

subj: create the fever in your bed

be one of machos!

That’s right! Our “bed fever” program allows you to live and work among the Machos of Central America! Call now!

From: damage_unknown

Subj: Don Juan boluses

Large bone – more pleasure

“Don Juan bolus” is without  a doubt the best euphemism for anything ever.

from: Maksim_boom

subj: show your true power

Aid to your nether rod

Wait, that one might be better.

Of course, sometimes messages without colorful euphemisms are the most disturbing. Like this:

From: edujaweso

Subj: Double your length today with herbal

Make her the way she likes it with your new massive package

http://www.dollwedding.ru

DOLL WEDDING? What the– Now I feel weird about that doll post I did.

Dammit.

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