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October 26th, 2010

New Place, New Ralphs

Now that I’ve relocated to a new abode, it has become necessary to find another place from which to purchase foodstuffs, as my previous shoppe of choice is no longer within reasonable proximity.

Translation: I need a new place to buy Cheez-its.

So I went to the local Ralphs. And this is what I saw:

Immediately, I was greeted by death. In the form of a drunken skeleton half.

“Ahoy! And welcome to Ralphs! I’ll be your captain. Captain BoozeFace.”

“And also me, Squinty! The first mate… of the SS Boozehound.”

Yes, Squinty. I saw you there. I just chose to ignore you. Mostly because your little bird cloaca is so near all of those comestibles.

(Good afternoon! I apologize for the use of the word “cloaca!” Please keep reading!)

After the creepy wine display, I decided it was time to find some real food. Something nutritious, like fruit, or nuts. Unfortunately, this is what I came up with:

In addition to their misguided marketing strategy, please note that these “good” peanuts contain sugar, and that there is no regulation to how many servings there are in a box. Which, if you’re on the “Entire Container” diet, like I am, makes it very difficult to watch that waistline.

I tried to find another source of protein, so I headed on over to the deli area. Only to be assaulted by…

Football-shaped trays of processed meats! I wheeled around, and came face to face with this:

The Salt Pig! I don’t know what it does, but it sure is twenty dollars!

(Yes. I could Google it. But I’m happy in my ignorance, thanks.)

Hey lookit! A doggy!

“Hi! Please be my friend.”

Aww, what a precious little– GAH! What happened to you, man?

“I getted too close to the stove.”

Oh, boy. Maybe if they marked you down a little, you could find a home?

In between all this madness, I managed to finish my shopping. On the way out, Paul pointed upward and said, “I think our Ralphs is haunted.”

I love this market.

3 comments to New Place, New Ralphs

  • Allison

    Oh, Ralph’s!! I used to live in Studio City and there was a bagger guy who worked there named Zev, I think? And he used to stalk me. Seriously. He would follow me to the Starbucks and Rite Aid next door and walk around the store looking for me, all while he was probably on the clock. And in Ralph’s, he would pop up around corners and go, “Heeeey! What are yoooou doing here?” like it was some huge surprise to see me buying food. So every time I’d go shopping, it would be like I was living in a video game and had to escape the crazy stalker bagger guy. Good times.

    Also, “I getted too close to the stove” made me inwardly chuckle really hard.

  • SacredCactusBulock


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