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September 14th, 2010

Freak Antiques

Do you like antiquing?

I sure used to.

Then I walked down the “Doll Purgatory” aisle:

Doll 5

Or maybe it’s Doll Hell.

Doll 8

Oh yeah. It’s totally Doll Hell.

Doll 2

The poor little things. Someone TRIED to love them. But it proved impossible. Probably because they have deadened eyes and hair that looks like the matted fur of a stray corgi.

Doll 1

And because they have about as much modesty as Britney Spears exiting a limousine.

Doll 4

“Excuse me… could you help me…?”

No. Stop looking at me.

Oh, sweet Jesus. What do we have here?

Doll 9

It’s ol’ Rat Neck and his Built-In Orchestra! I feel there’s a reason for this and it might have to do with a Russian ballet, but frankly I don’t care. I just want this thing removed from my memory.

It can’t get any worse than a large rat with a degree in conducting and six smaller rat heads growing out of it’s neck right? Of course not, there’s no need to– ACK!

Doll 7

WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??… Wait. Are you topless? What is it with you dolls?

Alright, alright. I’m being unfair. I’m sure, at some point, these dolls were fully clothed, adorable pieces of plastic with names like Betsy, Tina, and Ms. Lilly. Little girls everywhere played with them, brushed their hair, and fed them fake dolly food. Some of these dolls probably shared a bed with their owner at night.

I can pretty much guarantee you this is not one of those dolls:

Doll 6

That’s right. A partially dismembered Chinese stereotype is not something your average five-year-old girl wants to share a pillow with. Especially one covered in so much wire. Let’s go to a close-up:

Doll 6 Close Up

Now, as the daughter of a health care professional, I feel I am qualified to say with certainty that the reattachment of this fellow’s arm has not been a successful one. In fact, whoever did this should be arrested.

But at least he HAS arms. And a smile on his face. Some dolls aren’t so lucky.

Doll 3

She just keeps them in her lap, waiting for some doctor, no matter how ill-equipped, intoxicated, or blind, to help her reattach them.

Don’t tell her I said this, but more than a doctor, she needs new extensions and some photorejuvenation sessions.

Also, can we talk for a second about her expression?

Doll 3 Close Up

How did her eyes get so far back into her little plastic head? And did someone purposefully file her front teeth down to look like fangs, or what? My theory is that, at some point, this was a cute, laughing face, but someone’s little brother got ahold of it. Regardless of HOW it happened, I doubt very strongly that anyone will buy this blotchy, armless creature, and in fact its very presence is probably hurting business.

So, antiquers beware. Do your research before you go out. Check if your would-be vendor has a wide selection of dolls. Still not convinced? Then I’ll leave you with one last disturbing image:

Doll 9

I want YOU to pay $80 to be haunted by my presence in your foyer.

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