ATTENTION: I now have no appendix. Please forward all correspondence intended for my appendix to my large intestine. It will be taking over all former duties. This was a cost-cutting maneuver only, and we hope the aforementioned organ will not take it personally.

So, I had it in my head that I would write a big, hilarious post about The Time My Appendix Turned On Me, but in reality all that happened was I woke up at 5:00 AM last Monday in horrendous pain, sensed something was wrong, tried to be a hero and go into work anyway, was told by my dad that I should go to the ER, and I did. The End.

There’s really not a whole lot that’s funny about that, unless you saw me trying to maintain a pleasant façade at work. I had tears in my eyes, and was engaging in a version of “walking” that was equal parts Quasimodo and Bubs from The Wire.

I did learn some things, though. I’d like to share them:

-Lifetime Original Movies are soothing. Especially ones starring Scott Bakula.

-Three Lifetime Original Movies in a row is my limit.

-Skin Care infomercials are also soothing. Apparently. Paul and my parents were trying to get me comfortable before they left for the night, and I guess I was insisting they leave the TV on to some weird anti-aging lotion commercial. Not far off from what I like to watch when I’m not post-op, actually.

-A friend who can make you laugh so hard that your appendix hurts MORE is a very valuable thing. Thanks, David Malloy. You are the best!

-A good mantra when you are freaking out over early-morning abdominal pain is Deep breaths, idiot. I kept repeating that to myself over and over, and it help me get an entire TEN MINUTES of sleep.

-If they tell you you are getting a CT Scan with rectal contrast, buckle the fuck up. That’s all I’m sayin’.

-Those little girls at the orphanage in the children’s book, Madeline, who all get jealous that Madeline got to have her appendix out? They’re dopes.

-Jody Feder is an excellent emergency golf-cart driver.

-I’m allergic to band-aid glue!

-Appendicitis can easily be mistaken for gas or “feminine discomfort.” What a terrible bodily mechanism. People with a tough mental resolve can be severely damaged by this. (Me, for example! If my dad hadn’t told me to get to the damn hospital, I would’ve just hung out at work all day until the stupid thing ruptured and killed me.)

-My family takes “Liz isn’t hungry” as a sign that something is seriously wrong.

I hope you’ve found this as educational as I have.

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