I got an email last night from our class secretary. She’s the one who’s supposed to ask us alumni what we’re up to, write it up, and then publish it in our alumni magazine. The idea behind it, obviously, is to alert the world as to what the brilliant and shiny graduates from Occidental College are achieving with their expensive educations. “Lookit here!” says the magazine. “Our former students do enviable things now that they’re out in the world!” They want to hear updates like “Doug Bleefdram (’05) just got a job as the head of Citibank! And his dog (’09) had puppies!” The pressure to come up with an impressive statement is like the pressure one feels when they’re trying to sign the high school quarterback’s yearbook, only one thousand times worse.

Until today, the only other time I’ve sent anything to them was right around when I had just been promoted at my last job from “answering machine with legs” to “executive answering machine with legs.” This time it took me over 15 hours to come up with something. What I gave her was mundane and pleasant. Started a new job, been hanging out with other alumni friends. Bla bla. What I wanted to write, though, was:

Well, after nearly an entire year of unemployment, I worked a three month stint on a pilot, which, if you’ve never done that, is terrifying work because you’re not sure if all these late nights and heavily-salted catered lunches are actually going to lead to a show that anyone will watch. Luckily, we were picked up. But while I waited for the news I had to go on unemployment again, which elicited several calls and letters from various inefficient government departments requiring that I attend – wait for it – a seminar designed to help me become a better employee. You see, on paper it looks like no one wanted hire me for a year, and then, when someone actually did, they realized what an error they had made and fired me after three months. Also, because of all the bureaucratic hemming and hawing, I still haven’t received any of my unemployment checks, so I’ve been eating a lot of frozen corn while I wait for some money. Plus, have any of you guys ever been on COBRA?

But it’s not all so bad. I can still pay my own rent. I just don’t live in the fanciest area. That’s really not too terrible, as long as you don’t mind living next to the kind of people who shoot off faulty Mexican fireworks next to your car at two in the morning on the 8th of July. And, in other good news, I finally got my lost social security card reissued.

I hope you’re all having wonderful lives!

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