We arrived, got our “Guided Tour” headsets, and got going. We saw the engines, a couple of planes and the bunks. Then we turned a corner, and I realized that this tour was going to be so much more than I had ever hoped. The vessel was filled with horrible, waxy manikin people. Everywhere I looked, there was a guy just standing there, staring blankly out from his work place. It was as if I had come to survey the aftermath of a horrible gas attack. Actually, it really reminded me of that Twilight Zone where the astronaut and his men crash on that planet where all of the human beings are just standing still and then they find out later that this planet is really just a museum of what humanity USED to be like and it turns out they had gone through some weird Time Hole into a human-less future or something. Remember that? No? Well, just have a look at these awful Wax People, then.
Here’s Ensign Ostojic. He runs the general store. His eyes are puffy from crying. He’s watched Hot Shots 56 times already, and they still have 80 days left at sea.
And this is Lieutenant Junior Class Nguyen. He is only 14. He wonders what he is doing on this ship full of sweaty heathens. He should be learning to drive, and begging his dad to let him get contact lenses.
This is Erick. He is forever doomed to serve toast and ham roll-ups to unappreciative naval officers. He recognizes his fate, and he is not happy about it.
Are you enjoying your napkin ring, Lieutenant Commander Wilson?
Oh boy! A rare appearance by Lance, the head of Kitchen Relations on the USS Midway. Lance is always busy plotting the next gastrointestinal assault, er, meal.
And here is one of Lance’s victims customers, Mitchell. Before the gas attack, Mitchell was telling his nurse, “I shouldn’t have had thirds…”
And finally, the Captain. He had a feeling the gas attack was coming, but didn’t tell anyone, for fear of upsetting his men. They always were a skittish bunch…
And then afterward, the three of us went out for tacos. The End.
I assume “the three of us” refers to you, Erick and Nguyen. I get the feeling those were all sculpted by someone who hadn’t seen humans for several months.
What kind of “deal” did the U.S. Navy cut with Madame Tussaud anyway?
They used to have the same sort of macabre set up at Fort Michilimackinac in Mackinaw City. I was so totally drawn to the fort occupants being massacred by Indians who had been playing their version of lacrosse. Begged to go through it every time we were there. Took my own kids there a few years ago and the exhibit had been replaced by something more….tasteful. Dang.