Every women’s magazine in the world tells you, “If you want to get healthy, keep a food diary! It’s just that easy!” Oh, so, write down every morsel of food you consume, and it will help you get your diet on track? I can think of a few words for what that is, and “easy” isn’t one of them. A few of the less NC-17 ones, though, are: “difficult,” “time-consuming,” and “craptastic.” But, if I were to do a food diary, here is what it would look like:

11:00 AM: Handful of chocolate chips; piece of cheddar cheese.

11:45 AM: Unknown number of pepperoni pizza slices.

3:00 PM: “Lunch” (contents unknown– it all happened so fast.)

4:00 PM: Glass of milk, 1 piece cinnamon toast

9:30 PM: Chicken breast w/ 8 Tablespoons of salt; 2 pieces of broccoli

10:00 PM: 3 pieces broccoli; handful of walnuts; several chunks of leftover, unfrosted birthday cake.

Yeah. I’d rather not see that in print.

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