I am sick of people giving pets names that start with the prefix “Mister.” “Mr. Snuggles.” “Mr. Boots.” “Mr. Snuggleboots.” Yuck.

If your pet must have a title, why not try something like Admiral, or Lieutenant? Or, ENSIGN? My god! “Ensign Rickie” would be the best name for a large, black poodle, wouldn’t it? How about a hamster named “Lieutenant Kije,” after one of my favorite Prokofiev pieces? Or a cat (if you’re into that kind of thing) named, simply, The Admiral?

I could do this all day, sorry to say. Naming animals is probably my best natural talent. I’m serious. Give me any animal, and I’ll name it.

Could I name a parrot? That’s easy– Barry.

A fox terrier? Uncle Walter. Done. Next!

How about an orca? Sure! I’d name him Friar Chunk Light.

See what I mean? It’s a gift.

I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

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