I was NEARLY MURDERED LAST NIGHT.

By a cat.

…

Stop laughing.

The apartment complex is being overrun by cats. While I know many terrific people who love and own cats, and I wish them all the best, I, personally, cannot stand the little devils. This stems from the following: a) my aversion to cat boxes and the corresponding odor, b) a traumatic childhood incident and c) what the cats that live in our apartment complex left on the hood of Paul’s car a few months ago, pictured below (viewer discretion advised).

Thank you Cat. Thank you for licking yourself until you puked up a ball of your own hair. And thank you for choosing to release said ball directly onto a piece of machinery that one must use every day.

Yes, the cat is a creature who will defile your motor vehicle with its fur boluses. The cat is also a creature who will vomit in your cabinets as a way to express jealousy when you bring home a new computer. This does not inspire me to want to buy food for one. But it seems to inspire many of my dwelling-mates to do it. MANY OF THEM. In fact, each week I notice no fewer than two more cats slinking around the parking lot. Driving into the driveway is becoming a safety issue. It used to be a safety issue for the cats (Car vs. Cat). Now it’s a safety issue for me (Car vs. Pile Of Cats).

I think I know where they’re all coming from, too. At night, just as the first delicious clouds of sleep begin to settle over my brain, the terrible sound of “Cat Multiplication” begins. At first I couldn’t tell if they were fighting or… “being intimate,” but once the parking lot started to turn into that Wanda Gag book, I figured it out (I got an A in high school biology).

But, yeah, the murder attempt. You see, what happened was, I was getting out of car after a long day, and heading up the stairs. I heard a horrible, low growl, but ignored it because I am always hearing horrible low growls in Cat Village. But this time, it was different- it quickly became louder, more high-pitched. I looked up to see a puffy gray cat flying across my face, claws extended. Its eyes met mine and it howled again.

Then it slammed into the railing next to me, landing on the stairs and wriggling through the wrought iron into some ivy. Phew! A narrow escape if ever there was one.

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