As an expert on women (I may or may not be one), I am often asked by my male friends “Liz, how can I tell if a girl is into me?” My first inclination is to respond, “Well, does she say she is?” but then I realize that ladies can be a tricky, attention-addicted bunch. It is common for the females of our species to say one thing and mean a totally different thing. I think this used to be a more universally-recognized truth, but then the phrase “No means no!” became more popular, forcing everyone to take what women say at face value. This is not a wise plan.

Several chicks I know tend to use what I like to call the Yo-Yo Method for dealing with suitors. They’ll get you in nice and close and then all of a sudden have some commitment issue or other reason why “this might not be such a good idea,” and down the fellow goes, back to Akward Pal status. And repeat.

So it’s no surprise why my buddies often want to know what the frick is going on. Unfortunately, it’s different for every girl. Some are fully aware of what they’re doing and just want the guy in question around to shower them with attention when they’ve had a lousy day. Many are just insane. A precious few are actually confused about their feelings. (Side note: this might not be the type of person you want to date anyway. “Gee honey, we’ve been together for six years, but I’m still not sure if I’m really ready to be tied down.”)

While I may not know how to be positive a girl is into you, I do know how to tell when a girl is NOT into you. The techniques we chicks use to express disinterest are abundant, so allow me to illustrate the handful that I had to use just last night while I was purchasing a sandwich.

An older gentleman, who was ahead of me in line at Subway, struck up a conversation. We talked about turkey vs. meatball subs, and the overall deliciousness of bread for a few minutes. When his body language and manner of speaking changed, indicating that he had developed an interest in getting to know me beyond the context of sandwichery, I employed my first tactic. When a woman turns her body 45º away from you, she is not interested. If she begins to look over her shoulder and becomes deeply interested in available beverage selections, she is really not into you.

Bless his aging heart, though, he didn’t seem to understand (“No means no” must have been before his time.) and asked if I lived in the area, inching a bit more closely to me. Tactic #2, the unecessarily snarky comment, was displayed thusly: “Um, yes. I live around here. I don’t make a special trips across town to this particular Subway location.” I felt slightly guilty for using snark so early on, so I asked “You?” He told me that he does live nearby, but that he is planning on moving away soon. I just nodded and looked at the ground. (Tactic #3)

I was discussing black pepper ratios with the Sandwich Artist when the man asked me my name. Thank god Tactic #4 worked- I was able to pretend I didn’t hear him ask, and he left the restaurant.

But the ol’ bastard wasn’t finished. Nope. At 10 o’clock at night, in a seedy part of Pasadena, he had shrewdly selected the “Stand in A Dark Corner And Scare the Bejesus Outta Her” approach.” “I was wondering if I could have a moment of your time,” he said. “Uh, sure, but I can’t stay long. I have to go. Now.” I said, cleverly employing Tactic #5 (saying “no” immediately after saying “yes”). “You got somewhere you need to be.” He wasn’t asking me. He was saying like he was disappointed. I unlocked my car and threw my sandwich in. “Yep. I gotta meet someone.” “A male?” he wanted to know. “A male,” I assured him.

“Makes sense. You gotta real nice… personality,” he said. I looked down at what I was wearing: Jeans with holes everywhere, a huge t-shirt with a bird on it, and an even larger hooded sweatshirt. It really only could be my personality he was interested in. “Huh. Well, thanks,” I said, all business. (Emotionless response to a compliment is the 6th tactic, in case you couldn’t guess.)

Just before I sat down in my car, he said, “Well maybe we could talk later, I was thinkin’.” “Oh, you know what,” I countered, “that’s kind of a bad idea, maybe. Since I’m really busy. And you’re moving away and everything. But have an excellent night, and enjoy your sandwich!” I called while driving away (Tactic #7).

I still don’t think this numbskull fully understood the message, but I’m hoping all of you guys out there will recognize these seven, very basic, very clear signs that, no, she is not interested in dating you. Or really even talking to you.

You’re welcome.

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