Recently my family and I met for dinner at a little place called the Claim Jumper. We Coles love comically huge portions of various meats and cakes, so it’s a natural fit for us. We each took our time to carefully select dishes that would both satisfy our personal tastes AND impress the hell out of everyone else.

Mother came in last place with her order of beef stew. Hearty and delicious, yes. But the wow factor is close to zero. I was in fourth place with the Sliders: Four tiny burgers that were indeed satisfying, but lacked the ridiculous size element that the judges look for. Louis and his fish n’ chips took 3rd place. He narrowly escaped taking fifth place by adding an unexpected side of frozen grapes at the last moment.

Paul placed second by a mile, ordering a cheeseburger called “the Widowmaker.” A plain cheeseburger wouldn’t have gotten him a silver medal, but this one had avocado, fried onion rings, and bacon and was a good 5 inches tall. (Side note: This order took first prize in the Overall Caloric Content category.)

But the ultimate winner was my dad, who ordered a sandwich. We weren’t sure why he thought just a lil’ ol’ sandwich would make him a serious contender, but then he told us the name: “The Motherload.” I wasn’t convinced it would beat out the Widowmaker for Most Ridiculous Order until it arrived:

Yep. That’s the Motherload.  And lest you think there’s any visual trickery going on, allow me to show you this to put it into perspective:

It’s a winner’s sandwich if ever there was one.

Congratulations, dad!

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