Prevention magazine has found me, and has sent me a 23-page brochure boasting natural home remedies for major health problems. Health problems like high cholesterol, diabetes, clinical depression and phlebitis, remedies like beans, watermelon, tomatoes and castor oil. You’ll never have to go to the doctor again, IF you purchase the book they’re selling.

Since I won’t be purchasing the book, I may never find out how to fix a prostate. But, based on the rest of the remedies described in the brochure, I bet it would be pretty simple to figure out.

Here are some of my favorite highlights from the brochure:

(Her sister-in-law is eleven)

(She still has horrendous hot flashes, but now she poops like a champion!)

(An article by Martha Stewart.)

(Unfortunately, his “doctor” is just a PhD in philosophy, and now he’s dead.)

But my absolute favorite entry in the entire brochure is this one:

Ah yes, the “antidote” for diabetes. Since, as everyone knows, diabetes is caused by ingesting Diabetes Venom, which can quickly be neutralized with just a few common food items.

So grab your reusable shopping bag and head to Vons! Who knows? You may just stumble on the cure for that embarrassing itch you picked up at the Spearmint Rhino last month.

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