My name is Liz. I need direction. I overuse commas, my house is a mess, my hair needs a trim and I have no marketable skills: It's fun here, you'll see!

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June 19th, 2009

Father’s Day Performance Evaluation

Each year on Father’s Day, I provide my dad with a report on how well he has performed in the past year. This year, in the interest of keeping my records open to the public, I have decided to publish it here at the Productive Cough.

Main Duties/Responsibilities: Provide support for a family of four (4) people. Create bizarre nicknames for children. Keep ridicule of spouse to a pleasant minimum. Go to work, market, pharmacy, gym on a regular basis without whining. Maintain garage. Provide wisdom.

Has your performance the past year been good/bad/satisfactory or otherwise, and why? This year, Dad, aside from a few minor hitches, I’m pleased to say that I am labeling your performance as “good.” You are always jovial and well-rested. You seem more willing than ever to make fart jokes at the dinner table, which I must say is a vast a improvement since 2002 when you seemed to view such behavior with contempt. And, as always, your generosity is unparalleled.

Achievements: In the past year you have been promoted to Captain of the post-dinner dance squadron. Under your guidance, your son graduated from college. You have also been the leader in providing encouragement to your confused daughter.

What can you improve upon? Your colleagues have reported feeling “unsafe” around you when you watch the Lakers play. One member of this organization maintains that when you watch the Lakers, you are filled with hate. Please make an effort to chill.

Happy Fathers Day, Dad! I love you!

1 comment to Father’s Day Performance Evaluation

  • Why was there never a review of Mama Cole’s performance. Does she get a lifetime pass because anything you say can always be trumped by “I pushed you and that brother of yours outta me!”? I think performance evaluations are a wonderful idea, and I say we need more of these.

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