My name is Liz. I need direction. I overuse commas, my house is a mess, my hair needs a trim and I have no marketable skills: It's fun here, you'll see!

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May 11th, 2009

The Story That Has Nothing To Do With Chairs- Introduction

As I promised Friday, I was going to be explaining these illustrations:

These drawings accompany a book that my cousin Emily and I started when we were on a family vacation to Forks, Washington (home of the novel Twilight) during the summer of 1998. The book is called The Story That Has Nothing To Do With Chairs and it’s positively bizarre. Here is the table of contents:

As you can see, proper spelling was optional and lined paper was scarce. So, without further ado, I present The Story That Has Nothing To Do With Chairs by Liz Cole & Emily Cole as it was first written in 1998- misspellings and all.


First Before anything else you must know each and every detail about the wondrous characters in this book.

First there is Fred, no Ralph, no Fred, no Ralph yeah, Ralph, thats it!!!! Ralph is a stupid duck. He plays the saxophone. Thought he has tried to play like Bill Bixler* his music teacher, he can’t play worth a bean pie.

Ralph bough his sax at, Gooey Louie’s Saxaphone Palace. Gooey Louie was a stupid turkey and also a good friend of Ralph, so lucky old Ralph got a discount on his saxophone He practised 45 minutes 5 times a week. Gooey Louie was also a good friend of Tiddely Wink, the stupid poultry farmer.

Tiddely Wink is the best dern poultry farmer this side of the Mississippi. And what side of the Mississippi are we one children? Who cares!!! There isn’t much to Wink’s life except for his farming and his big, green, pet bush, which he named “Mr. Chicken”.

Mr. Chicken was the stupidest bush that you have probably ever laid eyes on. There isn’t much to his description except what we have already said: big and green. He also smelled funny, kind of like turpentine and bee’s wax. He wasn’t much of a pet, but tell that to him or Tiddely.

Ralph’s grandmother was a Rhino. Her name was Emily Spinach. She owned a small bathtub in which she lived. She named her bathtub Dumbo Caesar; The One And Only Flying Panty Hose Maker. Emily Spinach has only one hobby. That hobby is exploding (Don’t ask me why or how, I cannot say).

Dumbo Caesar was not a stupid bathtub. In fact, he was not even a stupid jacuzzi. He was and EXTREMELY STUPID jacuzzi bathtub. He loved to try to chew on Emily Spinach’s foot, but it was no use. When he tried to gargle the Rhino Supreme shampoo belonging to Emily Spinaches sister in law whenever she came to stay, he ended up spiting it onto the floor. What a very stupid jacuzzi bathtub-like thing to do!!!

Well that’s all the characters we can think of right now to cram into this incredibaly stupid intro. So if you see any unknown characters, don’t worry**. See you in the first chapter of:


*Bill Bixler is the name of my middle and high school music teacher.

**Translation: “We got bored of this and it was time for dinner.”

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