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May 21st, 2009

The Story That Has Nothing To Do With Chairs- Chapter 1

Last week, I published the introduction of the novel my cousin Emily and I had started in 1998 called The Story That Has Nothing To Do With Chairs. Now, I will continue this story with chapter 1, once again including all misspellings and grammar errors.

Chapter 1: Discoveries by Nuts

Ralph put away his saxaphone and got into his tricycle. He decided to pick up Gooey Louie, the stupid turkey on his way to The Discoveries Made By NutsĀ  meeting. Emily spinach would be late as usual because of the weight of Dumbo Caesar in her car. They were all going to Tiddely Wink’s backyard to hold their meeting because Mr. Chicken couldn’t and wouldn’t come out of the ground. He had to be pretty far away from the others because of his smell of beeswax and turpintne.

“Order in the backyard of Tiddely Wink!” screamed Dingy Bunny. Pleause forgive us for not mentioning Dingy Bunny in the extremely stupid intro. She is a green bunny who is not stupid but is more than a nut than anyone in the whole club. Anyway, “Role Call!” said Dingy Bunny. “Tiddely Wink?”




“Emily Spinach?”


“Gooey Louie?”


“Now pick up your moldy cheese and dig with your tuning forks.”

Everyone did so exept for Mr. Chicken, Dumbo Caesar, and Gooey Louie* who just sort of chewed on his. Don’s ask us why. We do not know and we do not care. His terrible health is his business, not ours.

“Chipey Chipey Chew!” said Emily Spinach. “I seem to have discovered pennicilan!” Nobody seemed exited in the least exept for Dumbo Caesar who was always exited about everything. The meeting continued in this extremly stupid way. It was Tiddely Wink’s job to hand out the homework assignments. That peticular weeks assignment was to write out 27 ways in which a grumpy snowman differs from a carrot and 1 math problem:6 times 2. And what is the answer to that, children? Who cares?! Soon Ralph said that it was time for snack: onions, coconut soup, and beany pie. Everyone took their fair share exept for Mr. Chicken, Dumbo Caesar, and Ralph by the fact that they had both** raised a pet onion named Stinky. Gooey Louie ate nothing because he was full of rotton cheese.

We suppose that you want to learn more about the late Stinky the onion. Stinky was raised by Dumbo Caesar and wouldn’t eat anything that he gave him to eat. So Dumbo Caesar gave Stinky to Ralph. One day when Ralph was feeding Stinky a brown banana for absolutely no reason whatsoever, he accidentally dropped a saxaphone reed into Stinky’s food dish without knowing it. Stinky choked and died. That is all about Stinky.

Meanwhile, in China, Mrs. Bumpernickel…… Wait!!! What does this have to do with the story?! Huh?!!Huh?!!Huh?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s better. Now we know that you don’t care one little green penny about how old Dingy Bunny is. Who cares?!! We are going to tell you anyway. She is 6. Here are the ages in order:***

Dumbo Caesar- 5 and a half

Dingy Bunny-6

Ralph-7 and a half

Gooey Louie- 26

Emily Spinach-32

Tiddely Wink-34

Mr. Chicken-47

Since they were all of different age groups, it was unusual that they got along as well as they did. But right after snack that day, Gooey Louie said, “All we ever eat for stupid snack is stupid food!” “Who cares said the rest of the group members who could speak and hit them on the head with their peaches, no tuning forks, no peaches, no tuning forks, yeah!!! Thats it!!!!!! The next thing they did was try to make Mr. Chicken smell better. No one really succeded in doing so exept for Dumbo Caesar who dumped half a bottle of Rhino Extremly Supreme Sampoo onto him ( and no, it was not Emily Spinach’s sister in laws Rhino Supreme Shampoo because she hadn’t come to stay in a very long time because of the fact that Dumbo Caesar gargled and spit it onto the floor) . Mr. Chicken smell even worse, but have no fear children. He will return to his normal smell in Chapter 2. That reminds us that we should be going into Chapter 2 which is even more stupid than the first.

*In other words, everyone.

**In our world, Emily and I use ‘both’ to describe groups of threes.

***Vital information, if you ask me.

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