One day, my fiance Sarah was on Facebook and saw an intriguing banner ad. She clicked through to a site that extolled the virtues of someone referred to as HH Dorje Chang Buddha III, including 108 stories. These stories were hilarious. First of all, it’s just odd to see boastful stories about a supposed buddha. But the subject matter and language used were just fantastic. One was about a toenail that disappeared and then reappeared in a relic box. Another was about a turtle bite and included the phrase “it chewed the hand with relish.” I immediately knew that brief stories praising an obviously fake Buddha were to be the next great literary/comedy form. Here are a dozen of my humble offerings. More to come later.
-Bulock
Reasons why JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII is so great:
1. Mike and Jim and me saw a copperhead down by the river. JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII shouted at it and it didn’t come near us.
2. Where are the scissors? JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII has them.
3. JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII was walking down the street and a flashy looking guy said he oughta be in the movies.
4. One time JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII had a mole that disappeared right off his neck. Twenty years later when they had to tear down the house, they found the mole buried in the concrete of the foundation.
5. The dentist told JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII’s mom he was gonna need braces. JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII heard, and by the next week had pushed all his teeth straight using just his big toe.
6. JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII cooks the best chopped liver.
7. I went on vacation to Chicago to get away from JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII for a while, and guess who was standin in O’Hare airport when I got there?
8. We were looking for tadpoles down at the creek. JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII put one in his mouth, did a little dance, and a live adult frog came out his you know where.
9. JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII was walking down the road to his house when he came across a dead skunk. He shouted at it “Go on now, Git!” and it got up and walked away.
10. The president called JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII one day, but JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII wouldn’t even give him the time of day.
11. I told JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII I was going to get a map for my drive out to Tennessee, but it turns out JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII has memorized the entire Rand McNally road atlas of America.
12. The earwax of JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII is 30% gold.
