My name is Liz. I need direction. I overuse commas, my house is a mess, my hair needs a trim and I have no marketable skills: It's fun here, you'll see!

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December 10th, 2008

Chef Liz in: “Steer Clear of Steer”

The weather’s finally starting to cool down out here in Los Angeles. And when that happens, it’s time for heartier food. Soups, stews, casseroles. So, today I’m going to pass along a glorious recipe: Scalloped Potatoes & Tongue.

Of course, I use the word “glorious” the same way I use the word “magnificent” to describe the bombing of Hiroshima.

Gaze in wonder at the recipe card:

The first step is to “Wash tongue well.” At first I thought this referred to the diner’s tongue, and would have made more sense at the end of the recipe, after the steps “Ingest” and “Regurgitate.” But it appears the recipe is talking about beef tongue.

After washing, you boil the tongue, and then it gets really terrible, instructing you to “skim foam” from the boiling water. Pardon? Am I to understand that preparation for tonight’s delicious meal involves a step that can be described as skimming beef foam from boiling tongue water?

Hey! Have you seen a cow’s tongue? No? Well here you go:

I’d like to move on now, please.

The rest of the recipe is fairly unoffensive, a basic scalloped potato recipe (albeit with the inclusion of an unappealing bovine muscle). But, have you read the suggested menu items? Zucchini salad, glazed carrots, finished off with a strawberry sundae- not too bad. You may be able to get around eating the entree at all. Unless you are a guest- then it would be rude, so you must force down a full plate of this culinary monstrosity. And what will your host, ever-faithful to the recipe card’s plan, select as the beverage for this evening? What will be at your disposal when you need desperately to wash down the tongue juices and white sauce?

Ah, yes. Tomato Juice. Thanks, Host. Nothing helps quench a thirst brought on by 2.5 pounds of lingual meat like watered down pizza sauce.

So, remember, this fall, when you’re looking for a delicious, substantial recipe… This isn’t it.

4 comments to Chef Liz in: “Steer Clear of Steer”

  • Steve Cole

    I was merely trying to say that I thought it would be nice if there a recipe that called for the tongue of Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Or better yet the tongue of Barney Frank, who needs a tongue transplant anyway. And you could use the head of Blagojevich – who looks like he’s wearing a stunned wolverine on his head – for a centerpiece. Right there next to the strawberry sundaes.

  • Karl

    I hope making that dish satisfied your tongue fetish for the season.

    What is up for New Years? Seaweed wrapped Rocky Mountain Oysters?

  • Kjell

    Tongue is gross. I don’t even use my own.

  • Tongue is actually quite yummy. My mom made it all the time when I was a kid. My sister and I loved it. We called it “soft steak.” Even though they called it tongue I don’t think we really put it together till we saw her preparing the thing. You have to peel it. I didn’t eat it for a while after that. Now though, Leah and I eat it when we got to Gyu Kaku (a cook your own meat place) I will make try if you and Paul ever go with us.

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