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April 25th, 2008

All Boozed Up With Nowhere To Go

Statistics show that one in every 3 people is an annoying jerk.* So in a group of 5,400 people, for example, we find that 1,800 people are jerks. Therefore, it’s likely that, if you encounter 5,400 folks over a certain period of time, you’re going to end up having a few run-ins with some pretty obnoxious characters (assuming you yourself are not one of the 1,800).

Now. Let’s put these people in one place, with no exits. Like, oh, I dunno, a big, fat cruise ship in the middle of the ocean. And watch the fun begin!

project-genesisjpgThis is what Royal Caribbean has in essence proposed with it’s gargantuan Project Genesis ships. The latest is a 5,400-person, 16-deck affair, with a climate-controlled outdoor garden, casinos (plural!), an indoor ice skating rink, a water park, a boxing ring, and some kind of on-board surfing thing which I can’t really figure out. And that’s just the stuff I can remember off the top of my head! Oh, right. They also have “cantilevered whirlpools,” whatever that means. It sounds great, right?

Recall the Rule of Jerks and realize that, while you’re waiting patiently to use one of those self-leveling pool tables you’ve heard so much about, Bob Dumbass is going to be in front of you, drunk out of his mind, telling the pretty girl with the cue in her hand that, damn, she really knows how to handle that wood. During a quiet skate around the ice rink, Mr. Dumbass will get cocky, come barreling toward you and triple lutz himself right into your knees. And when you’re checking out the boxing ring, Bob is going to come up, offer to be your sparring partner and then beat the living hell out of you to impress a group of booze-soaked forty-somethings on a Girl’s Only trip.

Yes, this is the trip for you if you’ve always wanted to hang out with a bunch of loud, pushy people with nowhere to go but mini-golfing.

Aside from jerks, does Royal Caribbean know what it’s getting into with all of these on-board balance-centric activities, like ice skating and rock climbing? I mean, what if the ship hits a patch of bad weather? Even though Royal Caribbean probably has that scenario covered, Bob Dumbass is still going to raise a stink when he’s told no, he can’t go climbing, because it’s raining. And what if some unforeseen thing happens to the ship? Like the monster from Cloverfield awakens, or Captain Nemo rams into the hull with the Nautilus… WHAT THEN, ROYAL CARIBBEAN!??! Bob Dumbass will surely tumble to his death!

Maybe that solves the jerk problem, though.

*According to a study by The Institute of Me, Liz Cole.

3 comments to All Boozed Up With Nowhere To Go

  • David

    ha ha ha ha awesome!

  • gene taylor

    I am a 4-time veteran of the Ultimate Rhythm And Blues Cruise, and our boats ALWAYS rocked!

    We would pull into a dock and, if there was a Royal Carribean or Princess Line mega-boat nearby, it was unanimously mooned by all those sober enough to be on deck.

    Just saying…

  • Ryter

    Hee…plan to stay away from Royal Caribbean personally. It’s a sea sick thing.

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