My name is Liz. I need direction. I overuse commas, my house is a mess, my hair needs a trim and I have no marketable skills: It's fun here, you'll see!

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January 22nd, 2008

Scab Script

It really is time for “ER” to come back into production because- HEY!- I live in LA and I don’t have any roommates and I’m broke. So, in an effort to help the process along, I’ve begun writing a script. Here it is:

INT. Hospital- Night
Hustle, bustle and etc as the paramedics bang through the doors of the ER with two 20 something males on one gurney.

Paramedic: We’ve got two frat boys stuck in the same pair of pants coming through. BPs 50/120 and 45/167 respectively. Major bruising and embarrassment.
Hot female doctor #1
: Hello boys. Looks like you’re in quite a pickle.

Frat Boy 1 GROANS. All of a sudden, the roof collapses and THOUSANDS OF LIVE CRABS rain into the ER. Chaos.

Boyish, Humorous Doctor: Holy crustaceans! There’s more crabs in here than in Nick Nolte’s mattress!
Hot Female Doctor #2: I need a crash cart in here!!!

ALARMS SOUND and we see an elderly woman hooked up to a monitor stumbling around, having a cardiac episode while 6 or 7 crabs cling to her face.

Elderly Woman: galeeakkakgllhggghhhlllkkkkkkkk…

A Surly, Devil-May-Care Male Doctor runs in, out of breath.Surly, Devil-May-Care Male Doctor: I know it sounds crazy but..
Hot Female Doctor #2 : What’s that, Dr. Surly?
Surly, Devil-May-Care Male Doctor: The only way to cure this woman is by dunking her in boiling water!
Boyish, Humorous Doctor: Sounds delicious!!

Then there would be a COMMERCIAL BREAK, after which there would be some heartfelt PROFESSIONS OF LOVE between Dr. Surly and Hot Female Doctor #1, and Hot Female Doctor #2 would be all pissy about it and make out with one of the frat boys just for good measure (while he’s still stuck in the pants with the other frat boy). Then Dr. Surly and HFD#1 would go hump in the janitor’s closet and in the middle of it all, Dr. Surly would let out a gutteral howl, which would cause Boyish, Humorous Doctor to burst in, thinking there was trouble, and he would see HFD#1 mid-lotus with Dr. Surly, a crab clinging to the bottom of his nut hammock.

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