One day, my fiance Sarah was on Facebook and saw an intriguing banner ad. She clicked through to a site that extolled the virtues of someone referred to as HH Dorje Chang Buddha III, including 108 stories. These stories were hilarious. First of all, it’s just odd to see boastful stories about a supposed buddha. But the subject matter and language used were just fantastic. One was about a toenail that disappeared and then reappeared in a relic box. Another was about a turtle bite and included the phrase “it chewed the hand with relish.” I immediately knew that brief stories praising an obviously fake Buddha were to be the next great literary/comedy form. Here are a dozen of my humble offerings. More to come later.
-Bulock

Reasons why JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII is so great:

1. Mike and Jim and me saw a copperhead down by the river. JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII shouted at it and it didn’t come near us.

2. Where are the scissors? JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII has them.

3. JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII was walking down the street and a flashy looking guy said he oughta be in the movies.

4. One time JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII had a mole that disappeared right off his neck. Twenty years later when they had to tear down the house, they found the mole buried in the concrete of the foundation.

5. The dentist told JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII’s mom he was gonna need braces. JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII heard, and by the next week had pushed all his teeth straight using just his big toe.

6. JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII cooks the best chopped liver.

7. I went on vacation to Chicago to get away from JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII for a while, and guess who was standin in O’Hare airport when I got there?

8. We were looking for tadpoles down at the creek. JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII put one in his mouth, did a little dance, and a live adult frog came out his you know where.

9. JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII was walking down the road to his house when he came across a dead skunk. He shouted at it “Go on now, Git!” and it got up and walked away.

10. The president called JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII one day, but JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII wouldn’t even give him the time of day.

11. I told JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII I was going to get a map for my drive out to Tennessee, but it turns out JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII has memorized the entire Rand McNally road atlas of America.

12. The earwax of JR Cookie Lomax Buddha VII is 30% gold.

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Strangely, after reading the email by my 6 year-old cousin Sarah, my dear friend Chris Bulock found a story that he wrote when he was 6. Here it is, complete with original misspellings, for you, the reader:

SPIKE THE ROBOT

Once there was a robot named Spike. he looked like a human. If there was a battle he would join in. He had the biggest ship in the universe.

There was onliy one more person to help him run it. Spike was the gunnerand the main fighter.

The ship was called the star criuser. Spike liked to fight. They had very poerful weapons. The battles they fought in they always won. One day there was a big battle. Spik started it. One of the old ship mates was visiting. Spike said that he could take one weapon. While he was getting it he pulled the trigger. He accidentally hit Spike’s friend. Spike got very mad. he punched the old ship mate. The ship mate flew away. he told his crew what happend.

In about an hour he and his crew came back. While they were coming Spike contacted his friends. He told them what happend. When the shkips got there the war started.

They fout for a long time. There wasn’t anyone there icsept for Spike and the old ship mte. Spike finally blasted the old ship mate.

Dedicated to my dog Tonka.

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I watched Woody Allen’s 1987 film “Radio Days” last night for the first time. It was such a sweet movie. Whereas all of Woody Allen’s films are semi-autobiographical, or stem from some long-time fantasy of his, this one seemed to be the most rooted in his youth. The film does not have a strong central story. Rather, it is a number of anecdotes, situations and ideas centered around radio broadcasts in the 1940s.
For me the most touching part of the entire thing was the series of anecdotes wherein the main character (voiced over by Woody) described what each popular song at the time reminded him of. Songs, for me, have a particular associative power. A song latches itself onto a memory and acts as one of the more efficient triggers (along with smell). This segment, although only a few minutes long, really unlocked the true meaning of the film for me. It was a sort of sonic memoir, lamenting the decline of radio, and celebrating impoverished Brooklyn family life.
Also, it was really funny. The very opening bit was great! And Julie Cavner was really great casting– it’s odd to see Marge Simpson in person.
Woody Allen films always make me feel peaceful- either I’m glad whatever’s happening is not happening to me, or I’m glad to be let in on a world where it’s happening at all. “Radio Days” was the latter situation.

So now what? Well, naturally, I go nuts and add every Woody Allen film that Netflix has to my queue. (Which looks like it should be pronounced “quay-wee.”)
If anyone wants to come over and watch “Zelig” I think it’s on the way.

And now I leave you with another nugget of Bulockian wisdom:

Willy Shoe,

How many playground balls are there?

Imagine a calculus professor with no eyes. This would be a horrible way to learn. Additionally, how would he be able to teach the proper notation to students? Why did you hire him? He has tenure now, and there’s nothing we can do. I suppose it’s because you have no eyes, and you felt some sort of bond. Well, Shoe, this is an awful mess we’re in.

From the Office of
Dean Kiki

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Floozy

Here is his response:

Well,

There is this bell in Malibu. It rings out number sounds. Brett is always listening to the bell. Whenever it rings, he puts the number that it indicates into the phone. Funny thing is, Brett also knows about this other bell that rings out names at the same time that that other bell is going. He has to record the name bell though. The whole thing yields a mysterious text message. And also, the person who responds to his text message with…a golden egg… will become his wife. That’s why Brett listens to the number and name bells. To find a wife. Brett is an egret. It’s hard for an egret to find a human wife. They won’t let him in to clubs. He doesn’t have a job, and he doesn’t go to church. How else would you expect him to meet women. He hasn’t had much luck with the text messaging either, though. His phone is made of sand.

-Brett

Thanks Chris. I feel much better.

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