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My name is Liz. I need direction. I overuse commas. My house is a mess, my hair needs a trim and I have no marketable skills: It’s fun here, you’ll see!

Got a question, comment, proposal of marriage? Great! Email me at liz@theproductivecough.com

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Got a question, comment, proposal of marriage? Great! Email me at liz@theproductivecough.com

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November 16th, 2013

Signs

We all need a little help navigating our world every now and again. We need to know where to park, where not to throw our used paper goods and what kind of wildlife to beware of in a given location. The only way to do this without involving other, inevitably tiresome humans, is with signage. The issue is, some signs are… not necessary. Or clear. Or helpful in any way.

For instance, this sign was seen on the wall of a hotel parking garage, between the vents for two industrial-grade linen dryers, which I guess spit lint out onto the front bumpers of the parked cars.

 Lint Warning

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like a little fluff flying out of a vent onto the hood of a Scion is one of life’s less immediate dangers, unless the lint is on fire, or so dense it could cause light scratching. But, I’m not really a “car person,” so I’ll stay out of it.

What I do know is, when I’m at a new a job and have to locate the conference room for the first time, I turn to signage to help me out.

 Conference Room

Oh! THERE’S the conf. room! Thanks, Production Team!

And then there’s this:

Jockey Pouch

The Jockey Pouch Collection!

Now, we’re all adults here. We all know this is men’s underwear. And that means the “pouch” they’re referring to can really only be for one thing. That’s right. It’s a weiner pouch. And it’s right there, in giant lettering at the outlet mall. Additionally, it’s a COLLECTION of weiner pouches. There’s nothing I like more than entering a store and being confronted with the idea of hordes of sweating batches crammed into discount underpants.

And speaking of… none of that, ever again, who wants a delicious frozen treat?

Come on, kids, you all know the old song: I scream, you scream, we all…

Ice 4 Scream

ICE 4 SCREAM?

If we go literal, this sign makes it seem as though the vending machine will dispense ice if you scream at it. But, as I screamed with laughter, I quickly learned this was not the case. It seems to only dispense stale peanut-coated novelties for $4.75.

Disappointing.

Folks, what is a sign if not a way to provide information that couldn’t already be inferred from one’s experience or surroundings? You need to know the name of a street because you’ve never been on it? There’s a street sign to aid you on your quest. You need to know what kind of toppings the new pizza place on the corner offers? You can look up and see they offer only anchovies and mouse hearts.

Signs are meant to be helpful. Not obvious. Not funny. Not stupid. Like “Ice 4 Scream!”

No, signs should never be stupid. Only completely helpful and full of new and useful information. Like this one:

1 cent minimum

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