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My name is Liz. I need direction. I overuse commas. My house is a mess, my hair needs a trim and I have no marketable skills: It’s fun here, you’ll see!

Got a question, comment, proposal of marriage? Great! Email me at liz@theproductivecough.com

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Got a question, comment, proposal of marriage? Great! Email me at liz@theproductivecough.com

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January 4th, 2012

A Farewell to Gluten

I don’t really do New Year’s Resolutions. They always make me feel like a failure, mainly because I’m always failing at them. Lose weight? Nope. Learn a language? I did not. Make the bed every day? HAHAHAHA!

So I assure you it is a simple coincidence that my attempt to go gluten-free for a month happened to begin on January 1st.

I felt it best to wait until after the holidays to attempt to alter my eating habits so drastically. And boy, did I have a last hurrah. I went to my favorite bakery and purchased a chocolate tart AND a miniature apple pie. THAT was my New Years Eve.

Anyway, here I am. Gluten free for over EIGHTY SEVEN HOURS. Suck it, naysayers.

I promise not to turn this site into My Tortured Life Without Flour: The Blog. But for the next 31 days, it’s going to be a big part of who I am, so you can bet it will be mentioned. I vow to make it fun. Or at least really, really pathetic and woeful.

Some things that have happened in the last couple of days are:

I have eaten SO MUCH popcorn that you would probably gasp in horror.

I have been much clumsier, prompting me to believe that wheat holds the key to my physical stability.

I have begun to listen to a lot more Notorious B.I.G. (probably unrelated).

AND, today, with the help of my pal David, I went to an all gluten-free store near work. It’s called “Pam MacD’s Gluten Free Market” and it’s excellent. I bought these cookies that are better than regular cookies. They also have these discs of crispy cheese, which I would have made purchase of if not for the fact that my boss had spilled 38 metric tons of very fragrant Parmesan cheese on his office carpet not 20 minutes beforehand.

That was not fun, let me tell you.

All we had in the office was a vacuum that looked like it was from 1965. It also smelled like it still contained dust from 1965. When it was turned on, it blew cheese all over the place. Eventually, it got up most of the cheese, but by that point the inside of it had become very hot and had begun burning the dust AND cheese, creating a thick, horrible stench that lingered for hours. In order to fix the problem, ammonia-based cleaner was sprayed, a vanilla-scented candle was lit, a bag of fresh-ground coffee was purchased and opened, and actual toast was made in the office. It was a Smell Circus.

So I didn’t buy the crispy cheese rounds at the gluten-free store.

But I did buy cookies, sweet potato crackers, some protein bars and chocolate covered dried fruit.

They say gluten-free is good for your health, but by god if I’m not going to try to contradict that.

1 comment to A Farewell to Gluten

  • Chris B

    I’m being surrounded by the gluten free. First Sarah, then a good friend here in Illinois, my student assistant, and now you. Soon, everyone I know will smell like flax and xantham gum.

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