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My name is Liz. I need direction. I overuse commas. My house is a mess, my hair needs a trim and I have no marketable skills: It’s fun here, you’ll see!

Got a question, comment, proposal of marriage? Great! Email me at liz@theproductivecough.com

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Got a question, comment, proposal of marriage? Great! Email me at liz@theproductivecough.com

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February 17th, 2011

This Week Has Been My 2012

Trust me, the whole story is boring. All you need to know is that I’ve been having pain in the, ahem, soft tissue of my leg ever since I started going to the gym. Then, last Thursday, my leg started to look like this:

CalfPic

My dad checked it out and told me to take some of these and some of those:

PillPic

But by Saturday night, I was having trouble straightening my leg, so Paul convinced me to go to Urgent Care. (It was kind of an argument because I didn’t want to be a weenie and he didn’t want me to die.)  They did a test and found that it wasn’t a blood clot, which, you know, duh, because 1) I’m not a thousand and 2) I don’t spend my days taking intercontinental flights. (Yes, I’m being flippant. Shut up and let me tell me story.)

The next day, after I called my dad to apologize for second guessing his diagnosis, he suggested that, even though it was his day off, I meet him at his Emergency Room. So I spent almost all of Sunday being prodded and interviewed and ultra-sounded. The inside of my leg looked like this:

VeinsPic

Which apparently is normal. Whatever.

The whole ER experience was actually kind of fun, except for the fact that I had to wear one of those awful blue gowns that washes me out, which is a total bummer.

In the ER

After my blood had been removed and tested, I was given a 90 minute course of IV antibiotics. My dad split before that mess got going because it was his day off and he didn’t want to be at work a second longer than he had to be.  I don’t blame him. He’d already spent two hours there, messing around with my horrible leg

HorribleLegPic

and he wanted to go home and be human for awhile. Then I fell asleep. Which I’m proud of, because the fluorescent lights were on right over my face, and there were a bunch of old people moaning in the hallway.

Bla bla bla, now I have to take forty million pills every day and it’s still a mystery. Do I have Lyme Disease? (No, I found out today.) Pin worms? The vapors? No one can say! Which is exciting, I think. Or deadly…?

Fast forward to Wednesday. I’m minding my own business, adjusting to life as a pill-popper and walking to my car, when all of a sudden I fall down the stairs.

WHAT?

Hey! HOA! Stone staircases are slippery when wet, and very sharp when fallen on! I have a major bruise on my left buttock now, which is preventing me from sitting normally and sleeping for more than 20 minutes at a time. It looks like this (not an exaggeration):

ButtBruisePic

(Now do you see why I drew all these pictures. I’m not showing you all my actual butt. That’s weird!)

My dad said I should buy a lottery ticket, since things really can’t get much worse.

4 comments to This Week Has Been My 2012

  • Christy

    I hope it’s not sarcoidosis? On House it never actually IS sarcoidosis though, so you’re probably all right. Please don’t die. 🙁

  • judi

    Hey Liz…
    you left out the part that your dad also had 5 of his ER doctor buddies come in to observe the above “said” leg…or was it the “sad” leg?
    Nothing like hiking the lovely blue gown all the way up to areas that should not be revealed just so people like me and other interested lookyLucies could marvel at the wonders of your “mystery” rash.
    Glad to hear you are better!

  • Gene Taylor

    Ohhh, my (2012), my (2012)…you just simmer yourself right down there, little lady.

  • ShawnC

    Sorry to hear about this. Hope you’re doing better.

    It’s undoubtedly “the vapors”. People don’t know this but the song “Turning Japanese” is connected to the band’s name. People who experience this mysterious affliction (“le vapeurs,” as it’s known in France) often go through this painful metamorphosis, much like a caterpillar, and when they come out the other side, are able to qualify for Japanese citizenship. So welcome to Yuki’s world – she was a black beautician from Queens before she got the vapors.

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