I know. I know. I’m like way awesome and great and you just go to bed at night hoping and praying that you’ll wake up just a little bit more like me in the morning. Well, tomorrow morning, when you wake up and you’re still NOTHING like me, please don’t stomp your feet and scream obscenities to the heavens and wake up your neighbors as you have done every morning since you met me. Because now there is hope. Now there is My Guide To Being Me:

1. Sweat so much that when you put your forearm down on your bank statement, your account number shows up on your skin when you lift it back up.

2. Try out your new spray-on sunscreen in the shower so it doesn’t get everywhere; Slip on sunscreen residue and hit your head on the soap dish when you get in after your swim.

3. Grilled cheese for breakfast? No. Grilled cheeses (as in two or five) for breakfast? Yes.

4. Get your swim on. Regardless of the state of your leg hair.

5. Keep a huge bag of partially melted saltwater taffy on your bedside table.

6. Let dishes pile up until your kitchen looks like this:

7. And while we’re talking kitchens, make sure to buy Orange scented Ajax. It’s like $1 and makes you seem like you don’t care. You know- like all those hipsters in LA that dress like hobos.

8. It is perfectly acceptable to cry when the temperature is above 80. It is also acceptable to cry when you watch DogTown on National Geographic- even if the outcome is good.

9. Wear your jeans until there is a hole in the inner, upper thigh region. Continue wearing them until you feel uncomfortable being in public, even with  your legs crossed.

10. Always resort to lists if you can’t think of anything to write.

See? Totally easy!

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