Remember that pile of fortune cookies from yesterday? Why was it such a large pile? I’m not fortune cookie-crazy. In fact, at first it was just two cookies- one for me, one for Paul. But once we opened them, we realized they were all designed to keep you in their casinos. Check this out:

Translation: Don’t be discouraged, man. Just keep betting. You’re bound to make some money back sooner or later, right?

Translation: Get to the sports book and bet everything you’ve got on the horses. I hear Erick’s Bunion has been looking strong lately.

Translation: Get super lit up on overpriced, watered down Tom Collinses, sidle up next to the roulette table, and start giving people advice. Then head over to the $1 slots to cash in on your karma.

Translation: If you go with your wife to see Criss Angel Mindfreak, she’ll be more inclined to let you stay out late and play Pai Gow!

Translation: Finding the right slot machine for you might take some time. Try every one in the place, if you have to.

Translation: That little voice in your head, warning you that you’re not going to be able to afford next month’s rent? Ignore him- he’s an idiot.

Translation: So you lost it all! So what? Remind yourself that you’ve got resolve! How many people do you know who would be able to sit at the blackjack table for six hours and not get discouraged?

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