I posed this question to a few friends: “What is Hell to you?” and encouraged them to include an explanation or anecdote, if they felt so inclined (in the case of Brian, that may have been a mistake). Here are their answers:

Gina: “A world with no ice cream trucks.”

David: “I think being in a Pinto, going cross-country with Vince, from ShamWow , no air conditioning, the windows rattle and won’t roll down, and the radio’s stuck on an AM Banjo station. The seat is stuck upright and won’t tilt back, and the seatbelt is too small and digs into my belly. And a cat had peed in the backseat and it smells.”

Jody: “My idea of hell is working at a certain place where I was referred to as ‘Girl PA,’ and was so terrible that I wish diarrhea at an inconvenient time on almost everyone there.”

Joe F: “A common interpretation of Purgatory has always been a veritable Waiting Room for Heaven…hanging out, hoping that the the people you have left behind pray for you enough that your number gets called, deli-counter style. I think Hell is sitting in that room holding a number that won’t ever be called, but you don’t know that. All you know is that some skinny bitch who just got here had her number called three days later and the speaker won’t stop playing REM’s Everybody Hurts.“

Brian: “Hell is an idea that exists in many cultures as a way to balance out the injustices of the world. Both as a means to control people and prevent wrong behavior. And secondly for peace of mind, to believe that all injustices will ultimately be righted. So I believe it is a cultural invention of humankind for disciplinary and comfort purposes. I think the Buddhist hell makes more sense than the Christian one, as rehabilitation or a term of penance, rather than the eternal useless vengeance of Satan’s bidness. The ancient Greek hades was interesting because it wasn’t necessarily a reward or a punishment, but instead a dreary but necessary next step. Says something about their culture.”
(Can someone give Brian a hug and make him watch some cartoons?)

Brandon: “A childproof lock, and I am a child.”

Feldman: “Being force fed opera and classical music on a dirty, earthy smelling, outdoors hike with my parents stopping every possible moment to admire the nature.” …30 Minutes later.. “How rude of me not to ask, what is your hell? Something involving massive amounts of vomit?”

Oh, Feldman. You know me so well.

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