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My name is Liz. I need direction. I overuse commas. My house is a mess, my hair needs a trim and I have no marketable skills: It’s fun here, you’ll see!

Got a question, comment, proposal of marriage? Great! Email me at liz@theproductivecough.com

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Got a question, comment, proposal of marriage? Great! Email me at liz@theproductivecough.com

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July 28th, 2008

Spam Asks, I Answer (Part I)

Hello there, BlogFriends!

As I’m sure you are aware, the amount of Spam the average person receives in their email inbox increases daily. But what many of us are not aware of is the fact that much of what goes into your Spam folder is not actually Spam at all. It is very often some poor soul’s attempt to reach out for help. They don’t know where else to turn, and so they ask you. Often, these messages are pleas for help with personal issues. But I also interpret these messages as cries for grammar help. And so, in an effort to help these folks, I have decided to set up a help column for these so-called “Spammers.”
*(These are all actual Spam messages I have received.)
*****

Vandegrift Finnigan writes:

Subject: quidnunc insist

Be brought there. And introduced by vidura they full many a fat patriarch had he in mew, and many by jimmie. And unto him, saying, ‘the sungiven vessel remains on kansas than a slavestate constitution. if kansas brave drona hath been slain by the highsouled you will leave the whole thing in my hands, and gave evidence of military ability.’ He showed that waters were blood, and whose eddies were cars, be achieved.

Well Vandegrift, I’m proud of you. It takes a lot of courage to stand up to Jimmie like that. I know him, and he can be a tough one. But where do you go from there? Well, first, I’d move somewhere quiet. Get out of Kansas– the blood waters can be hell on your skin. Second, befriend the local fat patriarch. This will make it more difficult for Jimmie to get to you. Good luck!
*****

Sullivan writes:

Subject: New strain of AIDS discovered

Black minorities no longer required to vote in Presidential election

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Sullivan. I think you’ve got your history mixed up. Requirement was never the issue. Check out Wikipedia and search “Plantation.” Additionally, you may want to ask your doctor about the difference between viruses and politics.
*****

Dojaaren writes:

Subject: Truth about bonzai kitties

Why do girls participate in orgies explain here.

Dojaaren-

Good question! Interestingly, all girls (or “bonzai kitties,” as your people call them) have different reasons for participating. Sometimes, they are just bored. Mostly, though, it has to do with alcohol and low-self esteem. Google those terms. And good luck with your orgy-ing!
*****

And so, dear readers, concludes the first installment of my Spam help column. I hope this inspires you to open your heart each time you open your Spam folder.

1 comment to Spam Asks, I Answer (Part I)

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